My thread is in response to IndusLady's http://www.indusladies.com/forums/ma...do-strong.html which asks to create a thread and share what married women (or those about to marry) can do pre-emptively to build a solid foundation for their marriage.
Although the initial request was for what women can do, I am writing only my perspective here what has been working well in my own marriage but truth be told, the journey has just begun and I'm still learning! I also see these as being something that anyone can do to lay out the foundation irrespective of gender.
"Have a short term memory about the negatives, keep long term memory about the positives and a photographic memory of the moments that make it all worth it"
OK, I'll try to keep my short and sweet…
(Key word: TRY! Be forewarned that I may fail entirely! :whistle)
1. Know yourself and love yourself. Before we even get to talking about marriage between two people, I can't stress how important it is to really know yourself and love yourself first. This is less about ego and selfishness…it's actually more about knowing YOU. Allow yourself to be confident and comfortable with yourself. Be independent. What makes you happy, stresses or upsets you? What riles you up and how do you deal with it? How do you resolve conflict and problems? What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? What are your beliefs and values? What are you passionate about? What you want out of life? What are your boundaries and what type of relationship do you want with others? Know yourself. Accept yourself. Respect yourself. Love yourself. Unapologetically and with confidence! I see too many ladies who sacrifice their own happiness on account of pleasing others and do it with the best of intentions (even when it comes to our own parents). While it's not bad to do so, just remember to acknowledge that little voice inside you that often gets drowned out and often get pressured to forget. I think this point is extremely important because it also envelopes the compromises, sacrifices and tradeoffs we are willing to make but what the conditions should be in order to maintain happiness (e.g. moving abroad or away from family, moving into a joint family, quitting work, etc.). Don't be afraid to come off as selfish here in pursuing your own interests because you are trying to be honest about what is going to make you happy as opposed to suppressing yourself and then being resentful about it later. For me, this meant continuing to work because it is important to me and that I'm not warm to the thought of moving elsewhere (at least, not anytime soon).
2. Know your spouse and love them. Get to really know your spouse or fiancé as best as you can beyond the superficial aspects (what looks good on paper) and what they have to offer. Be honest with yourself about what is it about them that draws you in. Is it their looks? Their status? What they have to offer to you? How they make you feel? Look past all that and try to figure out what is it inside of them that is formless and shapeless that draws you in and will serve as an anchor for you? Get to know that aspect of your spouse. Learn about what were their struggles in the past, dreams and expectations are for the future? How do they deal with stress? What comforts them? How do they resolve family issues? This goes beyond just a single meeting, usually, as first impressions can only deliver so much even to the most intuitive folks. If possible, try to get to know them outside of the formal context (especially before you get married). Do something together like working on some sort of project together or going on a trip somewhere…just something that takes you out of the ordinary formal context and into something unexpected. :) You can even take Will Ferrell's suggestion below and "Before you marry a person, you should first have them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are…" captures it perfectly.
tumblr_mz0dwlWUjn1qciesyo1_500.jpg
3. Congratulations, you're in love! Now what would you like to change? Once you get to know them, ask yourself what it is you love about them and what it is that you wish you could change. Pay attention to the last two because once the initial honeymoon and limerence starts to fade and as you spend the rest of your life with this person 24/7, you will inevitably find flaws that will drive you up the wall. So, when you arrive at your wit's end, you will need to remind yourself about what it was that you loved about this person…and why you need them. Then breathe and figure out how to make the situation better. As for the changing part…never assume that you are going to marry a someone (especially a man) to change him. Proceeding forward with the thought that things will get better if this person changes is proceeding forward with wishful thinking or "nice to have's." In rare instances, there are some changes you can certainly influence in someone but I would say…it's safer to assume the changes you desire to see in them will likely not happen and out of those, determine which are deal breakers for you (e.g. physical/emotional abuse, etc.).
4. Try to be realistic and patient with DH & ILs. I think we live in a culture where apart from gender bias, there's a lot of unrealistic expectations, false sense of entitlement and desire for instant gratification (even we ourselves are sometimes guilty of it when we take offense to something that wasn't done satisfactorily for us whether that's on a daily basis or special occasions) and we hold onto that negativity and act on it. Instead of holding onto the negativity, take a pause and figure out what the real issue is in the situation (sometimes, ILs fall short in their treatment of us because they have some other fear, insecurity or trust issues). While you don't have to take the mistreatment, you also don't have to be completely confrontational, spiteful or vengeful about it. Most importantly, you don't have to continue the cycle of perpetuating it onto others. Remind yourself (and them) that you are all human beings who are trying to develop a new relationship. There will be moments where things may seem strange, awkward, questionable or offensive and mistakes will be made. However, do your best to work through it and do things out of love, not out of expectation or acknowledgement. At the end of the day, you have something in common. You both love the same person and like them…you too have the best in mind for their child/your spouse/the family and your future together (with them in it). Let it be known that apart from the relationship with your spouse, you are would like to build a relationship with the in laws and you realize it will require time to understand each other. If there's there's anything that seems strange, questionable or offensive, then encourage them to step forward to discuss it directly with you so it can have the opportunity to be resolved one-to-one. I know the last part may seem a little out of place for traditional south asian families but I think it is good to encourage that one-on-one relationship so there is less back biting and misinterpretation. Try not to act out of negativity even if others are and try to determine which battles are worth winning or losing in order to win the war. Over time, you'll figure out when to bend and when to stand your ground or snap back. Or when it's just a lost cause (yes, I suppose there are some of those, too), but don't change yourself on account of others. Continue to hold on to your beliefs and values, don't allow others to turn you into something yore not and try to be exemplary of the behavior that you would like to see in others as opposed to a mirror of what they are towards you.
5. Respect your spouse. Set them up for success in your family. Be a guide and an advocate for them. One of the things that really worked well for me and DH is despite having different upbringing (me having been brought up abroad and him in India), we respect each other at a very deep level. We also act as both guides and advocates for each other. From the beginning, he has been a guide for me for things pertaining to religion, culture and tradition that I'm not completely fluent in. I also discuss with him the things that I accept vs. things that I don't accept or tolerate. However, he also becomes my strongest advocate to others when they ask him things about me, he cautions me about speaking to certain people about specific things and he even rescues me in conversations where the very judgmental nosy aunt is trying hard to find something to use against me (including my decision to pursue my career post marriage). I also am the same for him towards my own family and as he continues to adjust to life abroad here. I also do my part to expose him to a diverse range of food, cultures, history, mentalities, humor and contemporary media.
6. No matter what the differences, try to present a uniform front. This was mentioned by some other posters and I think this is key even for our marriage. Always try to discuss decisions, differences of opinion and issues in private…but when you are in front of others (including your parents), try to present a uniform front. This doesn't mean that you must necessarily have the same opinion as your spouse, but rather you acknowledge what is important to them, understand where they are coming from and you will do your best to support them. Whatever you do, avoid belittling or arguing with your spouse in front of others as they will try to get involved for better or for worse (and sometimes, even if they mean well, it just magnifies the situation). So whatever the issue is, try to discuss it in private.
7. When in doubt or angry, change your perspective. If others are in doubt or angry, help them change theirs. I mentioned this in another thread about not sweating the little stuff, but to further build on it. Whenever you find yourself in doubt or angry, try to change your perspective in some way. If you require space or time to do so, then do so. Try to shift your perspective so you can gain better clarity and understanding about the situation. Then come back to it and look at the issue again. Maybe you will realize something you hadn't before and be better equipped to deal with it. When you need to communicate things but feel like you aren't getting through, try to make it visual and tangible. Sometimes people have a hard time grasping what it is that you're trying to tell them (e.g. saving money for things, the chores you need to do day to day, how little time you wind up having to tend to other things), they miss the point entirely or misconstrue what you're saying. Making it visual helps and is harder to argue against. When my DH is pushing me to do something that's beyond my limit, I will ask him to step into my shoes and then repeat the things that I'm trying to deal with so he can better understand the situation objectively. I've even used this technique for PILs. Again, age and gender doesn't play a role here. Respect is respect no matter who you are or where you were brought up.
8. Never stop dating your spouse. Married life can easily become routine and monotonous. But do you remember what it was that made it exciting for you both? Try to retain some of that magic throughout your marriage. For my marriage, we both continue to surprise each other through little things (that we make for each other including food or objects) or bigger things (like planning a surprise dinner or vacation). We encourage each other maintain ourselves so we can enjoy the maximum amount of a healthy happy future. We go out on dates whether that's to a restaurant, a lecture or the movies. We also cut each other slack if we're low on energy.
9. Seek & share balance. DH and I continue to try to seek balance individually and together. We both support each other in each other's goals (including spiritual, health, career goals and personal projects). We share all responsibilities including financial (we both pay for things including rent, although he tries to pay more frequently) and domestic chores (Grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. we delegate and do it all together). This allows us to quickly get through all the mundane chores we need to do so we can enjoy time together doing other things. We even alternate days in which we cook. He cooks some meals and I cook others (I'm so glad he can cook, I actually didn't realize what a good cook he was until after marriage). We try give each other space to pursue personal interests including making or learning something new. We trust each other to know the right thing to do (even though we may express reluctance about certain things) and also don't interfere in each other's relationship or obligations towards family or friends (but be mindful that these obligations do not hurt or jeopardize your own future with your spouse). Again, try to seek and share balance.
10. Infuse humor whenever possible in all of the above. Whenever possible, try to infuse humor. It diffuses some of the most tense situations, sometimes makes the mundane seem hilarious and draws out the silver lining even in the darkest of storms. Of course, there are those few moments where humor may worsen the situation but for the most part, it helps to be able to laugh over things. In time, you will figure out which is which!
I see that my goal to make this short and sweet has failed :) But I hope this helps. Again, it's just my list and I'm learning these have worked out really well for me and I hope there's something in there that might help you, too!
:spin
Although the initial request was for what women can do, I am writing only my perspective here what has been working well in my own marriage but truth be told, the journey has just begun and I'm still learning! I also see these as being something that anyone can do to lay out the foundation irrespective of gender.
"Have a short term memory about the negatives, keep long term memory about the positives and a photographic memory of the moments that make it all worth it"
OK, I'll try to keep my short and sweet…
(Key word: TRY! Be forewarned that I may fail entirely! :whistle)
1. Know yourself and love yourself. Before we even get to talking about marriage between two people, I can't stress how important it is to really know yourself and love yourself first. This is less about ego and selfishness…it's actually more about knowing YOU. Allow yourself to be confident and comfortable with yourself. Be independent. What makes you happy, stresses or upsets you? What riles you up and how do you deal with it? How do you resolve conflict and problems? What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? What are your beliefs and values? What are you passionate about? What you want out of life? What are your boundaries and what type of relationship do you want with others? Know yourself. Accept yourself. Respect yourself. Love yourself. Unapologetically and with confidence! I see too many ladies who sacrifice their own happiness on account of pleasing others and do it with the best of intentions (even when it comes to our own parents). While it's not bad to do so, just remember to acknowledge that little voice inside you that often gets drowned out and often get pressured to forget. I think this point is extremely important because it also envelopes the compromises, sacrifices and tradeoffs we are willing to make but what the conditions should be in order to maintain happiness (e.g. moving abroad or away from family, moving into a joint family, quitting work, etc.). Don't be afraid to come off as selfish here in pursuing your own interests because you are trying to be honest about what is going to make you happy as opposed to suppressing yourself and then being resentful about it later. For me, this meant continuing to work because it is important to me and that I'm not warm to the thought of moving elsewhere (at least, not anytime soon).
2. Know your spouse and love them. Get to really know your spouse or fiancé as best as you can beyond the superficial aspects (what looks good on paper) and what they have to offer. Be honest with yourself about what is it about them that draws you in. Is it their looks? Their status? What they have to offer to you? How they make you feel? Look past all that and try to figure out what is it inside of them that is formless and shapeless that draws you in and will serve as an anchor for you? Get to know that aspect of your spouse. Learn about what were their struggles in the past, dreams and expectations are for the future? How do they deal with stress? What comforts them? How do they resolve family issues? This goes beyond just a single meeting, usually, as first impressions can only deliver so much even to the most intuitive folks. If possible, try to get to know them outside of the formal context (especially before you get married). Do something together like working on some sort of project together or going on a trip somewhere…just something that takes you out of the ordinary formal context and into something unexpected. :) You can even take Will Ferrell's suggestion below and "Before you marry a person, you should first have them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are…" captures it perfectly.
tumblr_mz0dwlWUjn1qciesyo1_500.jpg
3. Congratulations, you're in love! Now what would you like to change? Once you get to know them, ask yourself what it is you love about them and what it is that you wish you could change. Pay attention to the last two because once the initial honeymoon and limerence starts to fade and as you spend the rest of your life with this person 24/7, you will inevitably find flaws that will drive you up the wall. So, when you arrive at your wit's end, you will need to remind yourself about what it was that you loved about this person…and why you need them. Then breathe and figure out how to make the situation better. As for the changing part…never assume that you are going to marry a someone (especially a man) to change him. Proceeding forward with the thought that things will get better if this person changes is proceeding forward with wishful thinking or "nice to have's." In rare instances, there are some changes you can certainly influence in someone but I would say…it's safer to assume the changes you desire to see in them will likely not happen and out of those, determine which are deal breakers for you (e.g. physical/emotional abuse, etc.).
4. Try to be realistic and patient with DH & ILs. I think we live in a culture where apart from gender bias, there's a lot of unrealistic expectations, false sense of entitlement and desire for instant gratification (even we ourselves are sometimes guilty of it when we take offense to something that wasn't done satisfactorily for us whether that's on a daily basis or special occasions) and we hold onto that negativity and act on it. Instead of holding onto the negativity, take a pause and figure out what the real issue is in the situation (sometimes, ILs fall short in their treatment of us because they have some other fear, insecurity or trust issues). While you don't have to take the mistreatment, you also don't have to be completely confrontational, spiteful or vengeful about it. Most importantly, you don't have to continue the cycle of perpetuating it onto others. Remind yourself (and them) that you are all human beings who are trying to develop a new relationship. There will be moments where things may seem strange, awkward, questionable or offensive and mistakes will be made. However, do your best to work through it and do things out of love, not out of expectation or acknowledgement. At the end of the day, you have something in common. You both love the same person and like them…you too have the best in mind for their child/your spouse/the family and your future together (with them in it). Let it be known that apart from the relationship with your spouse, you are would like to build a relationship with the in laws and you realize it will require time to understand each other. If there's there's anything that seems strange, questionable or offensive, then encourage them to step forward to discuss it directly with you so it can have the opportunity to be resolved one-to-one. I know the last part may seem a little out of place for traditional south asian families but I think it is good to encourage that one-on-one relationship so there is less back biting and misinterpretation. Try not to act out of negativity even if others are and try to determine which battles are worth winning or losing in order to win the war. Over time, you'll figure out when to bend and when to stand your ground or snap back. Or when it's just a lost cause (yes, I suppose there are some of those, too), but don't change yourself on account of others. Continue to hold on to your beliefs and values, don't allow others to turn you into something yore not and try to be exemplary of the behavior that you would like to see in others as opposed to a mirror of what they are towards you.
5. Respect your spouse. Set them up for success in your family. Be a guide and an advocate for them. One of the things that really worked well for me and DH is despite having different upbringing (me having been brought up abroad and him in India), we respect each other at a very deep level. We also act as both guides and advocates for each other. From the beginning, he has been a guide for me for things pertaining to religion, culture and tradition that I'm not completely fluent in. I also discuss with him the things that I accept vs. things that I don't accept or tolerate. However, he also becomes my strongest advocate to others when they ask him things about me, he cautions me about speaking to certain people about specific things and he even rescues me in conversations where the very judgmental nosy aunt is trying hard to find something to use against me (including my decision to pursue my career post marriage). I also am the same for him towards my own family and as he continues to adjust to life abroad here. I also do my part to expose him to a diverse range of food, cultures, history, mentalities, humor and contemporary media.
6. No matter what the differences, try to present a uniform front. This was mentioned by some other posters and I think this is key even for our marriage. Always try to discuss decisions, differences of opinion and issues in private…but when you are in front of others (including your parents), try to present a uniform front. This doesn't mean that you must necessarily have the same opinion as your spouse, but rather you acknowledge what is important to them, understand where they are coming from and you will do your best to support them. Whatever you do, avoid belittling or arguing with your spouse in front of others as they will try to get involved for better or for worse (and sometimes, even if they mean well, it just magnifies the situation). So whatever the issue is, try to discuss it in private.
7. When in doubt or angry, change your perspective. If others are in doubt or angry, help them change theirs. I mentioned this in another thread about not sweating the little stuff, but to further build on it. Whenever you find yourself in doubt or angry, try to change your perspective in some way. If you require space or time to do so, then do so. Try to shift your perspective so you can gain better clarity and understanding about the situation. Then come back to it and look at the issue again. Maybe you will realize something you hadn't before and be better equipped to deal with it. When you need to communicate things but feel like you aren't getting through, try to make it visual and tangible. Sometimes people have a hard time grasping what it is that you're trying to tell them (e.g. saving money for things, the chores you need to do day to day, how little time you wind up having to tend to other things), they miss the point entirely or misconstrue what you're saying. Making it visual helps and is harder to argue against. When my DH is pushing me to do something that's beyond my limit, I will ask him to step into my shoes and then repeat the things that I'm trying to deal with so he can better understand the situation objectively. I've even used this technique for PILs. Again, age and gender doesn't play a role here. Respect is respect no matter who you are or where you were brought up.
8. Never stop dating your spouse. Married life can easily become routine and monotonous. But do you remember what it was that made it exciting for you both? Try to retain some of that magic throughout your marriage. For my marriage, we both continue to surprise each other through little things (that we make for each other including food or objects) or bigger things (like planning a surprise dinner or vacation). We encourage each other maintain ourselves so we can enjoy the maximum amount of a healthy happy future. We go out on dates whether that's to a restaurant, a lecture or the movies. We also cut each other slack if we're low on energy.
9. Seek & share balance. DH and I continue to try to seek balance individually and together. We both support each other in each other's goals (including spiritual, health, career goals and personal projects). We share all responsibilities including financial (we both pay for things including rent, although he tries to pay more frequently) and domestic chores (Grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. we delegate and do it all together). This allows us to quickly get through all the mundane chores we need to do so we can enjoy time together doing other things. We even alternate days in which we cook. He cooks some meals and I cook others (I'm so glad he can cook, I actually didn't realize what a good cook he was until after marriage). We try give each other space to pursue personal interests including making or learning something new. We trust each other to know the right thing to do (even though we may express reluctance about certain things) and also don't interfere in each other's relationship or obligations towards family or friends (but be mindful that these obligations do not hurt or jeopardize your own future with your spouse). Again, try to seek and share balance.
10. Infuse humor whenever possible in all of the above. Whenever possible, try to infuse humor. It diffuses some of the most tense situations, sometimes makes the mundane seem hilarious and draws out the silver lining even in the darkest of storms. Of course, there are those few moments where humor may worsen the situation but for the most part, it helps to be able to laugh over things. In time, you will figure out which is which!
I see that my goal to make this short and sweet has failed :) But I hope this helps. Again, it's just my list and I'm learning these have worked out really well for me and I hope there's something in there that might help you, too!
:spin