I recently read a thread where a MIL talks about talks about the sacrifices that a son's mother makes and that DILs should be grateful and treat their MILs accordingly.
There was a post immediately after that basically saying, stop with the entitlement coz they did nothing special that the girl's mother didn't do.
There was a lot of back and forth with the OP claiming that she understands that but she just doesn't want her contribution minimized. If OP really meant it and wasn't just saying it to look better, then this is really not about MIL but about respecting our elders.
For those women who want love and respect from their DILs, well it is a two way street. Since the previous thread turned into a mother of son Vs mother of daughter thread, I want to lay out a few simple obvious rules.
First I am going to explain why you have to follow the rules instead of automatically getting love and respect.
Times have changed
1. Before women got married when they were 10 yrs old maybe even younger, so the MILs basically brought them up and hence they automatically became a part of the family.
Now, we get married when we are around 25 sometimes older. We have our own individuality. Many of us work, where we are thought to be assertive and make our own decisions.
2. More recently, daughters were treated like second class citizens and hence accepted bad treatment more easily.
Now, we are treated just as well as our brothers. We are not used to having our wishes take second place.
Giving birth / Education
3. We are just as educated, so when you tell us how you suffered and sacrificed to get your sons educated, we are not impressed. In fact, when you go on and on about it, we kinda start looking down upon you.
Imagine I go on and on about the difficulties I had cooking this dish, that you have made just as well. It is similar. Been there, done that, found out that it is not that difficult so not impressed. Or in other words, my mom has done that and she didn't make a big deal out, so I don't believe that its a big deal.
Now for the Rules
1. Teach your son to respect his in laws
2. Tell your son he has to spend as much time with his MIL as you expect your DIL to spend with you.
3. Teach him to respect his wife and her needs and ambitions.
4. Give as much importance to your DIL as you do your son. Be aware that she works just as hard and deserves as much consideration.
5. If you don't expect your son to come home after work and cook and clean, then don't expect it from your DIL.
6. There is another person in his life. Accept it. It is not possible for him to spend the same amount of time he used to spend with you as he did earlier.
7. Today's couples are very busy, we work and we are tired after work. We need to relax and then spend some time together. Be more understanding
8. You brought up your son. You had 25+ years to influence him. When he behaves badly, please believe that you are more responsible for his actions than your DIL.
9. If your son wants to talk to you, he will call. DILs aren't the gatekeepers to his phone.
10. Your son is responsible for maintaining contact with you and informing you of the various updates in his life. Not your DIL
11. There is a long history between your DIL and her parents. Don't expect the same sort of relationship that she has with her parents. If you want it, you need to earn it.
12. It does not matter if you are the world's biggest authority on child care. It is her bab , her rules. Remember that you are just the grandma, who while important does not get to make any decisions.
If you are yearning to have a say on how the child should be brought up, please give birth or adopt. And please accept that you cannot possibly love or care about the child more that his/her mother does.
13. Accept that there are certain benefits to being the son's parents and certain benefit's to being the girl's. Due to long history, the girl is going to immediately trust her parents but you have to follow her rules for a while to show her that you can be trusted too. ( Just like with your son and his MIL)
14. Everyone changes as they grow up. When your baby started to walk, read, work you accepted the changes, why is it so impossible to accept that there will be changes, if he gets married or has kids.
15. You are supposed to get your emotional support and companionship from your husband. If you need to crib or vent, go to your husband.
If you are not getting it, then it is not fair that you use your son. He is your kid. Please don't use him as a surrogate husband. In times of need/stress seek your husband's support first. And accept that he needs to comfort his wife first.
16. Don't expect your DIL to do all the work. Your family and your son are just as responsible.
17. Your son may be the best in the world for you. Accept that for her parents, she was just as precious.
18. Pick one. Either be the wise old one and learn to be gracious, making all the first steps or be the old lady who is stubborn and and egoistic whose DIL needs to apologize to her.
You cant claim to be wise and hold on to your ego and expect your DIL to cater to your ego and take all the first steps.
The most important rule
Never talk bad about your DIL to her son behind her back. Once you do that, you are attacking their marriage. There is no way to twist that around and come out innocent. If you truly, unselfishly care about your son (forget DIL) and his happiness, you will not do that.
If you do that, you will be recognized to be the self centered, selfish women who is trying to ruin her marriage and after that I think that any smart women will try her best to exclude you and have as little to do with you as possible.
This is what I could think of. Please add any more that I missed. Or disapprove of any that are stupid.
There was a post immediately after that basically saying, stop with the entitlement coz they did nothing special that the girl's mother didn't do.
There was a lot of back and forth with the OP claiming that she understands that but she just doesn't want her contribution minimized. If OP really meant it and wasn't just saying it to look better, then this is really not about MIL but about respecting our elders.
For those women who want love and respect from their DILs, well it is a two way street. Since the previous thread turned into a mother of son Vs mother of daughter thread, I want to lay out a few simple obvious rules.
First I am going to explain why you have to follow the rules instead of automatically getting love and respect.
Times have changed
1. Before women got married when they were 10 yrs old maybe even younger, so the MILs basically brought them up and hence they automatically became a part of the family.
Now, we get married when we are around 25 sometimes older. We have our own individuality. Many of us work, where we are thought to be assertive and make our own decisions.
2. More recently, daughters were treated like second class citizens and hence accepted bad treatment more easily.
Now, we are treated just as well as our brothers. We are not used to having our wishes take second place.
Giving birth / Education
3. We are just as educated, so when you tell us how you suffered and sacrificed to get your sons educated, we are not impressed. In fact, when you go on and on about it, we kinda start looking down upon you.
Imagine I go on and on about the difficulties I had cooking this dish, that you have made just as well. It is similar. Been there, done that, found out that it is not that difficult so not impressed. Or in other words, my mom has done that and she didn't make a big deal out, so I don't believe that its a big deal.
Now for the Rules
1. Teach your son to respect his in laws
2. Tell your son he has to spend as much time with his MIL as you expect your DIL to spend with you.
3. Teach him to respect his wife and her needs and ambitions.
4. Give as much importance to your DIL as you do your son. Be aware that she works just as hard and deserves as much consideration.
5. If you don't expect your son to come home after work and cook and clean, then don't expect it from your DIL.
6. There is another person in his life. Accept it. It is not possible for him to spend the same amount of time he used to spend with you as he did earlier.
7. Today's couples are very busy, we work and we are tired after work. We need to relax and then spend some time together. Be more understanding
8. You brought up your son. You had 25+ years to influence him. When he behaves badly, please believe that you are more responsible for his actions than your DIL.
9. If your son wants to talk to you, he will call. DILs aren't the gatekeepers to his phone.
10. Your son is responsible for maintaining contact with you and informing you of the various updates in his life. Not your DIL
11. There is a long history between your DIL and her parents. Don't expect the same sort of relationship that she has with her parents. If you want it, you need to earn it.
12. It does not matter if you are the world's biggest authority on child care. It is her bab , her rules. Remember that you are just the grandma, who while important does not get to make any decisions.
If you are yearning to have a say on how the child should be brought up, please give birth or adopt. And please accept that you cannot possibly love or care about the child more that his/her mother does.
13. Accept that there are certain benefits to being the son's parents and certain benefit's to being the girl's. Due to long history, the girl is going to immediately trust her parents but you have to follow her rules for a while to show her that you can be trusted too. ( Just like with your son and his MIL)
14. Everyone changes as they grow up. When your baby started to walk, read, work you accepted the changes, why is it so impossible to accept that there will be changes, if he gets married or has kids.
15. You are supposed to get your emotional support and companionship from your husband. If you need to crib or vent, go to your husband.
If you are not getting it, then it is not fair that you use your son. He is your kid. Please don't use him as a surrogate husband. In times of need/stress seek your husband's support first. And accept that he needs to comfort his wife first.
16. Don't expect your DIL to do all the work. Your family and your son are just as responsible.
17. Your son may be the best in the world for you. Accept that for her parents, she was just as precious.
18. Pick one. Either be the wise old one and learn to be gracious, making all the first steps or be the old lady who is stubborn and and egoistic whose DIL needs to apologize to her.
You cant claim to be wise and hold on to your ego and expect your DIL to cater to your ego and take all the first steps.
The most important rule
Never talk bad about your DIL to her son behind her back. Once you do that, you are attacking their marriage. There is no way to twist that around and come out innocent. If you truly, unselfishly care about your son (forget DIL) and his happiness, you will not do that.
If you do that, you will be recognized to be the self centered, selfish women who is trying to ruin her marriage and after that I think that any smart women will try her best to exclude you and have as little to do with you as possible.
This is what I could think of. Please add any more that I missed. Or disapprove of any that are stupid.