Hello.
This is going to be a long story so please bear with me...
I'm a Sikh originally from the UK. I came from a typical Sikh family, so I had a bit of a tough upbringing as I grew up in 2 cultures which clash.
My mother is a very tough woman who is set in her ways. Nothing and no one can change her views. We clashed a lot as I tried to find my identity. I was deprived of friends cos they were white and I was not allowed to do any activities such as ride a bike or learn to swim. Despite having siblings, my childhood was lonely because I arrived a lot later after them. My mother hasn't talked to her own sister in over 20 years because my aunt didn't have an arranged marriage and my uncle is another caste. She is the only one from her family to still hold a grudge.
My story:
I fell in love with someone who was white. I shouldn't have fallen in love at all because my marriage was to be arranged. Imagine a lot of drama that would give Zee tv a run for it's money. My mother called me a whore, and told me I'm worthless. She said she wished I was dead. My sisters who all had arranged marriages were abusive also. Two of them spat on me and told me to go stand on a street corner. This guy who I went to a lot of trouble for, turned out wasn't worth it, but my mother took glee in this. She already used to tell me before that I'm worth nothing and after that, it became a ritual. I had no control over my life and I became a prisoner at home. Apart from going to uni, I stayed at home with her. I had no other choice in the matter as she slowly started to break me.
I became addicted to painkillers to numb myself and self-harmed because after a while, I started to believe my mother's words that I am worthless. I even tried to commit suicide. I took painkillers but threw them up again, I hadn't taken enough because I didn't have enough. The weight dropped off of me and I was a skeleton. Instead of being concerned, she yelled at me because people were asking why I looked unwell. She cared a lot about what other people thought of her. She and one of my sisters causes me the most grief. Going through my phone and shouting at me for having too many friends, going through my bebo page (was like Facebook) and questioning who all my male friends are. She would call my sister every night and tell her what I'd said or done. I was too scared to breathe. Every time I showed signs of "normality", I was reminded of my "crime". This went on for a year and a half after the bf thing. I confessed my self harm in the worst possible way, and it got brushed under the carpet.
I left home secretly and went to a women's shelter. after almost getting found, I had to get moved again. The family reported me missing but I'd already got in touch with the police to tell them that I'd left of my own free will. My family passed on a message that my gran is unwell. I was hysterical but it turned out she wasn't in any of the hospitals in the area. I felt betrayed. To protect myself, I changed my identity.
I haven't been back to my home since. It's been 6 years and the homesickness is killing me. My ex bf (different one) is telling me I'm not strong enough to go back. I feel like I need to confront my mother and tell her what she has done to me as I am still traumatized by it. I've been written off sick and going through a depressive phase in my life and I noticed when I talked to my psychiatrist, it all came back to mum. When I feel like I've failed in life, I hear her laughing at me in my head, telling me I'm worth nothing.
I want to go home and feel safe walking the streets. I need them to know why I left.
How can I do this? Can someone please help me?
This is going to be a long story so please bear with me...
I'm a Sikh originally from the UK. I came from a typical Sikh family, so I had a bit of a tough upbringing as I grew up in 2 cultures which clash.
My mother is a very tough woman who is set in her ways. Nothing and no one can change her views. We clashed a lot as I tried to find my identity. I was deprived of friends cos they were white and I was not allowed to do any activities such as ride a bike or learn to swim. Despite having siblings, my childhood was lonely because I arrived a lot later after them. My mother hasn't talked to her own sister in over 20 years because my aunt didn't have an arranged marriage and my uncle is another caste. She is the only one from her family to still hold a grudge.
My story:
I fell in love with someone who was white. I shouldn't have fallen in love at all because my marriage was to be arranged. Imagine a lot of drama that would give Zee tv a run for it's money. My mother called me a whore, and told me I'm worthless. She said she wished I was dead. My sisters who all had arranged marriages were abusive also. Two of them spat on me and told me to go stand on a street corner. This guy who I went to a lot of trouble for, turned out wasn't worth it, but my mother took glee in this. She already used to tell me before that I'm worth nothing and after that, it became a ritual. I had no control over my life and I became a prisoner at home. Apart from going to uni, I stayed at home with her. I had no other choice in the matter as she slowly started to break me.
I became addicted to painkillers to numb myself and self-harmed because after a while, I started to believe my mother's words that I am worthless. I even tried to commit suicide. I took painkillers but threw them up again, I hadn't taken enough because I didn't have enough. The weight dropped off of me and I was a skeleton. Instead of being concerned, she yelled at me because people were asking why I looked unwell. She cared a lot about what other people thought of her. She and one of my sisters causes me the most grief. Going through my phone and shouting at me for having too many friends, going through my bebo page (was like Facebook) and questioning who all my male friends are. She would call my sister every night and tell her what I'd said or done. I was too scared to breathe. Every time I showed signs of "normality", I was reminded of my "crime". This went on for a year and a half after the bf thing. I confessed my self harm in the worst possible way, and it got brushed under the carpet.
I left home secretly and went to a women's shelter. after almost getting found, I had to get moved again. The family reported me missing but I'd already got in touch with the police to tell them that I'd left of my own free will. My family passed on a message that my gran is unwell. I was hysterical but it turned out she wasn't in any of the hospitals in the area. I felt betrayed. To protect myself, I changed my identity.
I haven't been back to my home since. It's been 6 years and the homesickness is killing me. My ex bf (different one) is telling me I'm not strong enough to go back. I feel like I need to confront my mother and tell her what she has done to me as I am still traumatized by it. I've been written off sick and going through a depressive phase in my life and I noticed when I talked to my psychiatrist, it all came back to mum. When I feel like I've failed in life, I hear her laughing at me in my head, telling me I'm worth nothing.
I want to go home and feel safe walking the streets. I need them to know why I left.
How can I do this? Can someone please help me?